


I Shouldn't Have to Die to Feel Alive

by Ennuiwolf



Series: NayuRen Week 2020 [4]
Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Bedtime, Character Study, M/M, Midnight, NayuRen Week 2020, free writing, musings, nayuren week, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ennuiwolf/pseuds/Ennuiwolf
Summary: The first time Nayuta had met Ren, he’d thought he was annoying, and he wanted nothing to do with him.Yet, as time went by, he saw something in the other boy’s shining eyes.He saw the love he’d been denied his whole life.
Relationships: Asahi Nayuta/ Nanahoshi Ren
Series: NayuRen Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022395
Kudos: 32





	I Shouldn't Have to Die to Feel Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Free Day

Nayuta’s eyes flew open with a start, softening once he realized he was safe in his room. As he lay back down on the pillow, he took deep breaths to quell his beating heart.

It was fine, he was safe.

As consciousness returned to him, he was well aware that cold sweats covered his bare body.

It had been a long time since he’d had that dream.

It hadn’t been long enough that he hadn’t thought of his father.

His fist clenched as thoughts of the man who destroyed his life returned to him.

Nayuta’s father had never been particularly affectionate with him, but even Nayuta could have forgiven him had he showed even the slightest interest in being a father. Yet, despite being quite young, Nayuta remembered the words clearly that his father had directed towards him when his mother had attempted to try and get him to be present.

“I have no interest in parenting,” he had said. “I’m only interested in whether he can sing. The only reason he exists is to be my legacy.”

_Like hell I exist only for you…_

Nayuta began to recall his father’s interest when he’d showed interest in singing and being like his father. After all, for a young boy, all he wanted was his father’s attention. So the fact that the man who hadn’t given him a second look did so when he asked to sing too gave Nayuta momentary happiness.

It was momentary happiness indeed, as his father subjected him to intense training, putting all his focus on getting him to mimic him, and then getting angry when the small child was unable to. And the angrier he got, the less interested in Nayuta he became.

And then, when Nayuta developed asthma, his father got incredibly angry.

At first, he attempted to have the child power through the pain to strengthen his voice, only to have Nayuta end up in the ER not once, but twice. The first time, his father had refused to apologize for pushing him that far and made it clear that if he wanted his attention, he needed to get stronger.

The second time, his father had collected him from the ER wordlessly.

Upon returning home, his father had simply gone to his room, packed his bags and left. His mother had tried to stop him, apologizing constantly for not making him happy and being a bad wife, yet it had fallen on deaf ears.

Little Nayuta then had hid behind a wall, listening to his mother apologize profusely for not bearing him a perfect son.

What stung more than his father leaving him because of a medical condition he couldn’t ignore was the knowledge of the fact that his mother, the one he actually loved, thought he was born wrong.

He often relived that scene during his childhood as he got more and more jaded with life, as he isolated himself from the other children his age and threw his focus into music. Because at that point, it was all he knew.

A lot of the time, music worked as an escape for him. Through music, he could express himself as he wanted, create whatever world he wanted to. The fire continued to burn in his soul when he sang music, and while annoying as it reminded him of his father, it was also empowering.

Hence Nayuta began to focus on building his endurance and threw his all behind music.

It was tough, as Nayuta had to constantly push himself to his limits, often ending up at the doctors and listening to them reprimand him for going too far. Yet over time, he found that even as his endurance increased, Nayuta found it easier and easier to ignore the painful burning in his chest whenever it would crop up. It was strange, he would think one day, that a burning heart was the sign that something was wrong, yet he came to like it, feel alive.

“I shouldn’t have to die to feel alive…”

And yet, he did.

The only one he could rely on was himself. He’d get to the top of the world, surpass his shitty father, surpass himself. He didn’t need anyone else, all he needed were band members.

Kenta Satozuka helped him see this dream, allowing him to continue to burn the world down as he flowed through it like an untamed wildfire.

But even anger only lasts so long.

Nayuta turned his head to the side, his gaze falling on the figure fast asleep beside him, the covers falling around his waist as he slept on his stomach, chest rising and falling slowly. As he continued to sleep blissfully, Nayuta ran his eyes over the other’s bare skin tainted by red marks and bruises, all belonging to the white-haired vocalist.

The first time Nayuta had met Ren, he’d thought he was annoying, and he wanted nothing to do with him.

Yet, as time went by, he saw something in the other boy’s shining eyes.

He saw the love he’d been denied his whole life.

Nayuta had been absolutely terrified when he had realized that he was head over heels for Ren. The thought that Ren had the power to douse his flames and open his heart shook him to the core.

For the longest time, Nayuta had kept Ren at arm’s length, like he did for everyone else in his life.

And for the first time in his life, Nayuta found that Ren was a force to be reckoned with.

The other had made it his mission to constantly shower Nayuta with compliments and tell him how much he loved him. Even though Nayuta was used to hearing those compliments from others all the time, hearing them come from an earnest violet-eyed boy seemed to change them entirely.

Nayuta watched as Ren slowly blinked awake. “Nayuta-kun?” he asked sleepily. “You’re awake?”

“Go back to sleep,” Nayuta told him. “It’s late.”

However, it seemed that Ren had quickly come to the realization as to why he was awake at this time in the night. “That dream again?” he asked soberly, moving himself so he was closer to Nayuta.

“Don’t concern yourself over it,” Nayuta gently reprimanded him. “Sleep.”

Ren frowned softly, leaning forward to press a small kiss to Nayuta’s shoulder. “I’m worried about you,” he said. “If it’s really bothering you so much-“

“It’s not bothering me,” Nayuta cut him off. “Stop worrying so much.”

Ren opted to stay silent, although the look on his face told him that he wanted to say more. Instead, he chose to reach out and cup Nayuta’s face, looking at his features, the shape of his nose, his mouth set in a frown, red eyes that normally would rage at everyone, but right now just shielded his vulnerability.

Ren was more than aware of Nayuta’s past. After all, it had been in a similar situation, after they’d fallen into bed together and expressed their love for each other, that Nayuta had finally opened up to him, telling him everything. He’d even told Ren that he was damaged back then, and that he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to be with someone else after seeing just how messed up he was.

He chuckled softly. “You’re so perfect, Nayuta-kun!” he laughed.

Nayuta’s eyes widened.

Of all the things that Ren always told him, he couldn’t get used to the word “perfect” used to describe him.

He wasn’t perfect, he knew that well. He was emotionally detached, messed up from a shitty childhood. He wasn’t a perfect singer either, due to his asthma, which still reared its ugly head from time to time. The only thing perfect about him were his performances.

And yet, when Ren looked at him with that loving and gentle gaze as he used the word perfect to describe him, it moved Nayuta’s heart.

He grunted. “Don’t put me on the spot like that,” he complained as his arm snaked around Ren’s waist.

Ren grinned, a wide, happy smile like the sun. “It’s true though,” he insisted.

“You’re an idiot,” Nayuta shook his head in exasperation.

He wasn’t perfect, he was born wrong, he knew that well.

Yet, as he pulled Ren to his lips, he thought that perhaps for this one person, he truly was perfect.

And a part of him was glad that he met Ren, who lit his path back from darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of Nayuren week! I had trouble thinking of what to do for this day, but then I listened to Revolution and the above lyrics stood out to me. I also like these sorts of bedtime musings/ character study things, so have midnight musings of Nayuta!


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